A night for horrors

by O on October 28th, 2009

Ah… let’s do an angry rant today, shall we? It’s been a while since we’ve done those.

I write today’s rant with the hope that somehow I will manage to get some of you to view Halloween as it should be: the one night of the year when we’re all just authorized to be just as horrendous and freaky as we all desperately want to be deep down inside.

Now, right from the start I will admit: last year I did – in fact – dress up as a Lego man, a deed that not only required a whole lot of work but that also resulted in a giant representation of a toy that is so incredibly the opposite of scary I have trouble coming up with something clever to compare it to. I did! You can check it out here, in fact. All I can say is that I was close to 3 meters tall and still wasn’t intimidating. That says a lot. Size doesn’t matter, when you’re a Lego man.

But this year, I feel somewhat differently and I feel the need to complain about it. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I’m growing older (it probably does). Or perhaps it has more to do with the fact that I hate the little snots that people call children that live in my neighborhood so much that I just cannot conceive how somebody would not take advantage of the one night of the year when it is considered OK to just jumped out from a corner and scare the living crap out of the little vermin.

They deserve to be scared. They annoy me. A lot. They make noise, and they run around in the building corridors stomping on the floors and yelling at full volume with their squeaky little voices and afterwards crying their lungs out when they’re told to go inside by a neglectful mother that has absolutely no intention of actually making them come inside but just does it so that people won’t comment on how she allows her children to play where they’re not supposed to.

Of course they do, you see, she just can’t smack them around in order to impart something similar to discipline. It seems that society frowns upon such things – which makes me believe I could easily start a business where people pay me to smack their children around for them. I’m sure most parents secretly want to hit their kids and this is a task I would gladly perform, a service to society and its dark, secret urges. I don’t really care if my neighbors see me as the horrible little bald man living in 204 that likes to hurt children. If it helps the little turds shut up, I will sacrifice my social status with a smile on my hugely chinned face.

But anyway, the world as we know it seems to have forgotten what Halloween was originally about and has somehow turned it into a children’s holiday (as if they didn’t have a whole bunch of others), effectively ruining it for those of us that simply enjoy the delights of zombies, ghosts, goblins and other creatures of the macabre. Halloween belongs to us, not to them – and if they’re willing to be scary and participate in the gore fest that this day should be then I say they should, because they should be educated since early ages in the fact that blood, slime and fangs are just as fun and harmless as hearts, hugs and kisses. But if they are unwilling and simply cannot part with their stupid idea to dress up as the latest lame cartoon character that is considered safe and morally correct by their parents (and thus completely and mind-numbingly boring) then they should just stay at home and not go out that evening. Simple as that.

And of course! Most of you must be thinking “but what a curmudgeon! Why can’t he just leave the little kiddies alone? Why can’t just ignore them? I have kids of my own, I feel offended!”.  To you I say that it is not so. It seems I am expected to smile, laugh and participate in this twisted version of my beloved holiday. Everywhere I go sticky, sugar-rushed children run up to me asking for candy like I’m some sort of bald piñata. And even if I were to stay at home they go and knock on my door and continue to do so until I emerge so they can sing their stupid little song as ask me to just give them the food I have worked so hard to buy and probably need more than they do.

So this year, I have seen the error in past ways and thus have decided to be the scariest, most horrific apparition I can manage to be. And I will throughly enjoy scaring the sticky off of those thousands of little kids that live in my neighborhood and happen to cross paths with me – because October 31st is the one night of the year when I can do it and just shrug when parents give me a hateful stare. It is Halloween, after all. What did you expect me to do? Give them sweet stuff to eat? DO I look like the Easter Bunny to you?

Seriously, people – kids have a holiday pretty much all the time. Every single holiday except St. Patrick’s Day is now all about the kids, and I’m pretty sure that if underage drinking is ever legalized they will also ruin that one. So even if just for the sake of old Celt traditions, let me enjoy this one.

In conclusion, if you happen to live near me, keep your kids in doors. Lock them up, drug them to sleep. For if I should find them prowling the streets I promise you I will scare them so bad they´ll be as nervous and neurotic as little squirrels for the rest of their lives.

And squirrels are cute and furry, so they can get away with it. But a 40-year old man still living with his mother because he suffers from night terrors is not. So think about it.

Good hunting;
O

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